Movie Review: Der Schuh des Manitu

Der Schuh des Manitu

Der Schuh des Manitu (2001/ Constantin Film/ Dir. Michael Herbig

Native Americans are a dicey subject in fiction, mainly because of the stereotyping. There is also the problem that the term Native Americans can rub a cheese grater over the nerves of their souls. But really, it’s the stereotype that bothers most of us, I think. I mean, think about it a moment. I said Native American, and what did you think of? Buck skin wearing, noble savages with long straight black hair and a rudimentary grasp of language at best? Well, shame on you! They also talk about the Great Spirit at the drop of a hat and want to sing you the song of their people. Them and the Orientals get that weird, condescending attribute of being strangely wise, or mystical while also insulting them with the old ‘but of course they’re like children’ refrain as well. I’m not going to go into a lengthy discussion on it, but I sort of am because I’m talking about a movie that is set in the old west and involves made up Apaches. But it’s made by Germans, so they have like no connection to the actual history of the Native Americans and the movie is actually pretty funny since its jokes rarely ever touch on the known stereotypes beyond basic visuals and the Apache characters are the heroes. The best way I can describe it is that it’s like watching a hilarious movie about slave conditions in the Antebellum South made by Italians in blackface. You know that there is something terribly wrong with what’s being done, but the people who are doing it can’t begin to understand, and they’re being genuinely funny anyway. Look, maybe its better if I explain from the beginning…

Movie Review: Shogun’s Ninja

Ninja Bugeicho Momochi Sandayu (1980 Toei Company, Dir. Norifumi Suzuki)

You know, sometimes you can’t help but think that you’re watching porn even when you aren’t. That’s how I choose to start this review, because it’s the impression that at the forefront of my mind. It’s the music mostly, and the modern outfits. I mean it’s a movie that takes place in the 15th century and includes ninjas in clothes that look strikingly like modern camo. The music is so absurd that it hurts the movie, which is pretty absurd on its own. The music is early 80s rock-ish sort of J-Pop, and it make you fee like you’re watching a porn. I’m hardly in a position to bitch about rock music in a classic setting. I normally like that sort of thing. It worked in Ladyhawk and it worked in Legend so some degree. It can work, but it doesn’t work here. That’s hardly the movie’s only problem, I seem to remember lots of other problems, but the music always sticks in my head and I’m getting the intro written before we evens start the movie proper because I’m going to review this one in a way I haven’t reviewed in a while. Yeah, this movie is so screwy I’ve got to break down the plot and explain certain scenes in detail. We haven’t done this in a while, so put on your favorite Technicolor gi and let’s get ready to rumble!

Movie Review: “Manos” The Hands of Fate

“Manos” The Hands of Fate (1966/ Dir. Harold P. Warren) MST3K Episode 24, Season 4,  January 30, 1993

When I do reviews of movies that were on MST3K, I get a copy of the movie on its own. No bots, no mads, not a single luxury. Now, I do that for a couple of reasons, the first of which is that I want to watch the movie on its own dubious merits. Once you watch the movie with the bots, you’re watching an episode of the TV show. Second, if you watch a TV broadcast, things may have to be cut for TV standards. Movies can be cut for both time and content, meaning that you might not get the whole movie on the show. Even if you have the whole movie, you’re still breaking up the flow for the commercial breaks and host segments. So I don’t review the episodes, I review the movie clean, or as clean as the DVDs I get will allow. I mention all of this because this movie is down right infamous, there are people who can’t even watch the MST3K episode, so this is heroic in the eyes of some.

Movie Review: Miller’s Crossing

Miller’s Crossing (1990/ 20th Century Fox/ Dir. Joel Coen)

I’m going to open with a controversial statement, I’ve never been a huge Coen Brothers fan. They’re okay, but they always strike me as trying just a little too hard to be quirky, rather than just letting it happen. Even when they’re good, you can see this going on. The deliberate attempt to be quirky works so less well than tings that are just plain quirky. Miller’s Crossing has many an example of them trying to hard, but for the most part it works. I think it tends to work because the movie isn’t supposed to be funny, and as such, the quirky characters can be horrifying, rather than comedic. I’m going to tell you now, I almost never laugh as a Coen Brothers comedy. However, let us look at what is good and not so hot in this movie, shall we?

Cartoon Review: Wallace & Gromit - A Matter of Loaf and Death

Wallace & Gromit - A Matter of Loaf and Death (2008/ Aardman Animations/ Dir. Nick Park)

I really hate doing this. I hate having to be the one to do this to a franchise I like so much, but there is nothing for it. I am not a hipster, I do not watch things “ironically” and not just because that’s not what ironic means. I don’t seek out things because I know they will be horrible, even though I will occasionally seek out things that I know won’t be very good. I don’t watch old Hercules movies so I can laugh at their lame production value or sneer at the lousy translations, but because I genuinely enjoy them. Even something like Hercules and the Captive Women, I decided to watch and review it with the hopes that it would be charming and fun. However, that movie wasn’t fun and this movie isn’t fun. That’s what I hate about this, I hate having to tell you that this is just really, really terrible.

TV Review: Nightmares & Dreamscapes – Battleground

Nightmares & Dreamscapes - Battleground (2006/ TNT / Dir. Brian Henson)

Let’s be perfectly honest, this is not the best anthology series in the history of ever. I’m not going to do the run down of Stephen King’s career, or chronicle the ups and downs of his work here. Lately, I’ve found that no two people can really agree when exactly it was that they stopped loving the man’s work or when exactly things just plain stopped working for them. My particular view is that King has always been sort of lopsided and uneven. There are moments of brilliance and moments that don’t work and it’s up to each person to pick and choose what does and doesn’t work for them. However, for the most part, Nightmares & Dreamscapes didn’t much work for me. One problem was that it was greatly shot in Australia, but it’s trying to look like America (Or in one case, London) and it just doesn’t. That’s less of a problem here, as part of the show was shot in San Francisco (or someplace trying to look like it mixed with stock footage and matte shots) and the other part was just on a soundstage. None of that is very important though, the only really important question is “Does it work?” or possibly “Is it entertaining?” since I’ve admitted things that are complete train wrecks can be entertaining.

Well, the answer is “Yes.” A further answer might be, “It’s not the best Stephen King adaptation that’s ever been made, but it’s certainly the most fun.”

Hey there

Okay, so… I never announced that I was going to take a break from movie reviews, because I had no idea when I would be back. I’m back, but I have no idea what the schedule is going to be. Work has become something of a time sink and when not working I’ve been sleeping. In truth, just sitting down to watch a movie has been such a chore I haven’t been bothering. When the idea of doing something you used to enjoy fills you with dread, its best to leave it for a while and come back when you feel refreshed.

So I took the month of July off.

If nothing goes too horribly wrong, I’ll be back to posting once a week soon. For August, I’m going to aim for every other week like I did in May and June. We’ll see how that goes.

Movie Review: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984/ Lucasfilm/ Dir. Steven Spielberg)

Oh yeah, the first Indy movie I’m going to review and it’s one of the most infamous sequels ever made. Let’s get a statement out of the way straight off, this is a flawed movie. It’s the weakest of the trilogy, and yes I know Crystal Skull exists. We’ll talk about that one some day. It doesn’t work like the others, it doesn’t seem to fit with the others, and there are parts that make even a strong man wince. There is also a woman who spends more time screaming than talking, which I’ll get to. However, there is a lot to defend, or at least understand here, so I won’t just smack it around with a leather strap and call it a day. Besides, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is the Kill Bill of 1984 and most people don't even know it. Yes, I will explain that statement. Good movies deserve better than that, and while this might not be a great movie, it is a good one, no matter what those wankers on the internet might say.

Movie Review: Brick

Brick (2005/Focus Features/ Dir. Rian Johnson)

Okay, so when I first heard the concept of Brick, I was not a fan. Oh goodie, I thought, a Film Noir set in a high school. There will be teens in fedoras and talking fast like their trying to be Jimmy Cagney, despite the fact that Cagney never made a film noir because he was too big a star to be in those b movies. To be perfectly frank, I was expecting a high school version of Bugsy Malone, complete withy pie shooting machine guns. However, I heard some things and someone sent me the movie as a gift and I had to watch it then. So I watched it and was pleased to discover that my fears were misplaced. This wasn’t a bunch of teenagers playing at film noir, it was film noir playing with a bunch of teenagers. That probably sounds like I said the same thing, but it’s the difference of “I mean what I say is the same thing as I say what I mean.” If you get my drift. To put it in a short, declarative sentence: These guys got what film noir means rather than just trying to ape what it looks like.

Movie Review: Ronin

Ronin (1998/ United Artists/ Dir. John Frankenheimer)

You k now what I think? I think they should make the whole plane out of the stuff they make the black box out of. You know what else I think? I think that Ronin is the last great action movie of the 70s. I say that for a few reasons, but the number one is that everything just feels like the 70s here. I should expand it to the late 60s as well, but you get my meaning perhaps. It would fit right in with a night of watching great action/thrillers like The Ipcress File, The Day of the Jackal and The French Connection. You could have made this movie in 1975 and only a few changes in technology would have to be downgraded. Of course, some of those downgrades would change plot points, so lets be glad things are as they are. The point is that this is an old fashioned action movie, the sort they just don’t seem to make anymore. Of course it was old fashioned at the time, which was part of the point, I suspect. Either way, let’s talk about a great action movie…

Movie Review: The Fearless Hyena

The Fearless Hyena (1979/ Goodyear Movie Company/ Dir. Jackie Chan)

Really? All the movies I've reviewed and this is the first Jackie Chan movie? Huh, that’s odd. This is as good a place as any to start with Chan. As far as I’m able to tell, this is Chan’s first directorial effort, even though Kenneth Tsang helped out. The thing is, this is a really cheap movie. Really cheap. You know how Shaw Brothers movies tend to look like a poor man’s version of old Hollywood movies? No? Do we need a Shaw Brothers primer? Okay, note to self, review a Shaw Brothers classic sometime. Let me break it down quickly. A lot of the Shaw’s movies were studio bound in a way that soap operas would find embarrassing. I’ve seen Shaw films that have almost no exterior shots, despite the fact that much of the movie ostensibly takes place outside. One Armed Swordsman comes to mind. The Shaws did build a backlot, and used it to great effect, but many movies still have a great deal of indoor studio shooting. The reason I bring this up is that things like Fearless Hyena didn’t have as much money as a Shaw production. That’s my point. They’re not even as expensive as a poor man’s knock-off. However, along with more exterior shoots (the forest is CHEAP!) there is also a bit more soul here. Chan and company are working their butts off to produce a new kind of kung fu movie. It worked too, this movie even supplanted Chan’s break-out film Drunken Master as the highest grossing movie in Hong Kong.

Movie Review: Blade Runner

Blade Runner (1982/ The Ladd Company/ Dir. Ridley Scott)

There isn’t much to say about the movie Blade Runner really. Well, there isn’t much new to say at any rate. It’s not a movie that has been ignored as a discussion point over the years, so why review it? Well, I’m going to go from the angle I went with for the recent review of Jurassic Park and compare it to the source material, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick. I’ll be honest now and say that I enjoy both the movie and the book, so I won’t attack one using the other as a bludgeon. I will say I enjoy them both in different ways, and I hope to explore that in this review. So let’s have a look at the two and hopefully get you to either read one or watch the other. As another note, there are several versions of this movie running around. Instead of picking this version or that version, I decided to review the two major versions. As well as the book, I’ve decided to review The International Cut and The Final Cut for this review. I could have done some of the others, but the review is already late as it is so let’s just go with that.

Movie Review: The Great Train Robbery

The Great Train Robbery (1903/Edison Studios/Dir. Edwin S. Porter)

Made in 1903, this is possibly the earliest western movie, although even the director of this movie would disagree with that statement. Not important, but he thought another movie was the first western, however I don’t think it was a proper narrative film like this is. See, before this time, most movies were just an event. Not even a series of events but a single scene with the camera simple pointed at whatever was happening. The earliest movies are quite frankly, dull. Unless you’re a movie nerd, or a history nerd, most of the “first” movies in history hold little to no interest because they were primarily just pointing a camera at a city street and capturing what was there. This was back in the day when simply seeing a picture move was enough to get riled up over. Now it’s true that there were movies with plot and editing and before this, but The Great Train Robbery was the first one to really bring everything together in a way that made it a big hit. One might say that this one proved there was something to this whole movie making thing. If you’re able, go out and buy Edison - The Invention of the Movies, which is where my copy of the movie comes from. If you get other versions, you may not get some of the brilliant use of colors that this one has.

Movie Review: Desperado

Desperado (1995/ Columbia Pictures/ Dir. Robert Rodriguez)

This is an interesting mixture of both varieties of movie that were popular during the mid nineties. Desperado straddles the line between two-fisted action and independent/foreign art house style films. I’m not joking about that second part either, there are a lot of shots and ideas that are far more familiar to the art house scene rather than the action movie of the time. In many ways it feels like it has more in common with the art house, particularly since there was a flavor for low-budget Latin movies at the time this came out. This movie was also like another kind of import, that being the Hong Kong Heroic bloodshed, however as this connection is more obvious I won’t dwell on it.

Movie Review: Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park (1993/Universal/Dir. Steven Spielberg)

I decided to re-read the book before watching the movie, which might be considered a mistake by some people. I know people who would have said I should have skipped one or the other of my experiences, but I had my reasons. I wanted to be able to compare the two products, movie and book and see what the differences were. My thoughts can be condensed, and then expanded upon. Jurassic Park: The Book is kind of a dumb diatribe against science, written by a profoundly stupid man. Jurassic Park: The Movie is a fun movie with a few weak spots. I’ll expand on those two statements, but that’s the gist of my feelings.

Movie review: Seven Swords

Seven Swords (2005 Mandarin Films & Eng Wah Dir. Tsui Hark)

This is a movie that should have been awesome, but fell short of that lofty goal. The reasons it should have been awesome are easy to see just from the people involved. Tsui Hark reinvigorated the Wuxia genre in the 90s, Donnie Yen is one of the biggest stars in HK cinema, the other actors are hardly unknowns, and it’s based on one of those books that I’m told is a favorite in Chinese culture. Of course, that’s maybe where things start to go wrong. The movie bears little resemblance to the book in question. Much of the story telling is put on the shoulders of characters that weren’t written to hold such weight, and the action is underwhelming. However, all that said, there are things to like in this movie as we’ll see. This isn’t a movie without merit, and some might look beyond the weaknesses and really fall in love with this thing.

Movie Review: Bandidas

Bandidas (2006 Dir. Joachim Rønning & Espen Sandberg)

This is not a bad movie, it’s just not a very good one. That’s sort of sad, because there are the makings of a great movie here and you can see glimmers of that great movie from time to time. A few small problems snowball into huge problems for the movie, but not to an extent that it actually becomes bad. This is a watchable film, but how much enjoyment you might get is greatly dependent on your personal feelings. I liked parts of the movie, but the movie as a whole product never quite comes together for me. Let’s break down the movie and see what works and what doesn’t.

Movie Review: Mean Guns

Movie Review: Mean Guns

Mean Guns (1997/ Dir. Albert Pyun)


We haven’t talked about a good old fashioned bad movie in a while, and this is close to as bad as they come while still being enjoyable. Oh yes, this movie is enjoyable, but it’s terrible. You don’t watch it for the fine performances or the sparkling dialogue, you watch it because you’re fascinated that this sort of thing got made despite the fact that clearly no one much cared about the end product. It’s also interesting to see how far some people have fallen. This was shown as an HBO original movie, and it’s not even a very good one, but it has some names that people would recognize like Ice T and Christopher Lambert. They’re okay in this movie, but they cover the range of performances for actors who are just picking up a paycheck. Ice is chewing the scenery and Lambert is half asleep. Still, the movie is fun, but for all the wrong reasons.

Movie Review: New Jack City

New Jack City (1991/Warner Bros./Dir. Mario Van Peebles)

Made in the early nineties, when the crack epidemic was still a thing the media talked about on occasion, this is the story of one inner city drug lord’s rise and fall. So how does this early 90s gangster movie hold up when trying to watch it today? Surprisingly well actually. While some might want to compare this movie to gangster epics like Scarface, The Godfather or Goodfellas, I think there are a few points that separate them. For one thing, this is way shorter, it clocks in at just under two hours while the other films I mentioned hover around three. For another, there is a completely different flavor to this film and for a third… well, let’s talk about the movie, shall we?

Short Film Fest

Today I want to do something a little different. Today I want to talk about some short films that I really like.


Me and the Big Guy

What happens when Big Brother takes over and some idiot loves the idea? That’s sort of the question posed by this short movie. Citizen 43275-B talks to his view screen constantly, babbling the most inane garbage until Big Brother finally has enough and starts talking back. That’s not even the best part, the best part is the last few seconds of the film. I won’t spoil it, but the movie gets better as it goes along until the final punch line.

The Second Comeback

What starts as a comment on how the message of Jesus gets lost through all the marketing and BS gets turned into a pretty hilarious comedy. It’s only about ten minutes long, so there isn’t time for the one joke to wear thin. Some of the jokes are a little too obvious, but as the whole thing is so short it’s eminently forgivable. You can watch this on youtube, it’ll take you a couple of minutes and you probably won’t regret it.

Battle of the Sexes

What really happens in women’s bathrooms? Well, this movie tries to answer that question in humorous fashion. Yes, most the shorts are comedy, but shorts are easier to do as comedies. Anyway, a woman goes into the bathroom and gets a report on a man, deciding on whether or not to continue the date with him. Yeah, similar shorts have been done before, but this one is really fun.


Well, that’s if for now. I know this was short, but if you watched all the movies it should have taken about half an hour, and that’s not a bad slice of entertainment. Maybe later I’ll get you some more shorts to enjoy. For now though, this is all I’d planned on.

Movie Review: Horatio’s Drive

Haven’t done a documentary in a little while here, so let’s watch this one. This Ken Burns movie is the tale of the first cross country automobile journey undertaken by a rich Vermont Doctor. In one way, you might like the character of Horatio Nelson Jackson, in another way you might despise him and everything he purports to stand for. Strangely, this is also a movie where only men are interviewed save for two of Nelson’s granddaughters. So it’s guys, talking about a long car ride undertaken by a couple of guys. In a way, we could say that these are rich yuppies who have an adventure talking about another rich yuppie who once had an adventure. The story is pretty good, but there are drawbacks. Is it good or bad? Let’s have a look…

Movie Review: Clue

Clue (1985/Paramount/Jonathan Lynn)

A couple of weeks ago, I got the urge to watch Clue for what would be the first time since I was maybe fourteen. That’s twenty years of deep-seated nostalgia for this movie to combat. I really liked this movie when I was about twelve or so and that should make it an instant sell for me, right? Wrong. Sadly, nostalgia actually makes the trip harder, since I seem to be immune to the effect and far more critical of my old loves. So as an adult, how did Clue hold up? Surprisingly well, actually. Having spent the last 20 years reading mystery stories and watching mystery movies and TV shows, I now have a greater appreciation for the movie than I did when twelve. Let us discuss some of the better points (as well as some things that just didn’t work) over the next few paragraphs. Oh, and I’m going to spoil the hell out of this thing, but if you haven’t actually seen Clue yet then I’m not sure what you’ve been doing with your life.

Movie Review: Real Genius

Real Genius (1985/Tri Star Pictures/Dir. Martha Coolidge)

What can be said about Real Genius that hasn’t been said before? Well, quite a lot really. I almost never hear anyone talk about this movie, or hold it up as a favorite, or anything really. It’s strange because considering how favorable the depiction of geeks is in this movie, and how archetypal the characters are, it should be a cornerstone of Geek Culture. It’s not a perfect movie, but there is a lot to love here.

Movie Review: The Tale of Despereaux

The Tale of Despereaux (2008/ Universal/ Rob Stevenhagen & Sam Fell)

Let’s get the first things out of the way first. I cannot recommend this movie, because it’s not a good movie. That’s just for starters, but we can get that out of the way right now. The reason we’re talking about it though, and the reason I’m reviewing it, is that it could have been a good movie. There is a good movie hiding in this film, however the movie keeps getting in its own way and prevents it from being good. The book it’s based on was a Newberry Award winner (which should make you worry right there) and the movie wants to be worthy of that to the extent that it keeps trying way too hard to be worthy and can’t manage to be good. It’s a shame because on the technical side, the movie is very good in many places. The style and visual flair of the movie is wonderful, but the movie itself is so pretentious and overly serious that you can’t really enjoy watching it. Instead of a point by point review, let’s talk about a few of the problems…

Movie Review: Incident at Blood Pass

Incident at Blood Pass (1970/Toho/Dir. Hiroshi Inagaki)

Hey look, another Sanjuro movie that doesn’t actually have Sanjuro in it. Okay, I’ll make the history lesson quick to explain that statement. First things first though, this movie is actually titled “Ambush” and was changed to “Incident at Blood Pass” somewhere along the line. Now back to the history lesson that you don’t really care about. After Yojimbo, Toshirō Mifune spent more than a few years playing more or less that character in several movies. It wasn’t so much that he was being Sanjuro, as much as he had made that a stock style of character. A stock style that still exists to this day, and is portrayed by many an actor. This would basically be like Sean Connery playing a well dressed, suave spy after he ended his run on James Bond. So yeah, it’s a samurai movie where Mifune plays a strong, mysterious tough guy type.

Movie Review: Dumbo

Dumbo (1941/RKO Pictures/Dir. Ben Sharpsteen)

In 1941, Walt Disney was in South America, doing a good will tour and collecting materials for the movie Saludos Amigos, which would come out the next year. While he was away, he left the studio to make a small quick-buck movie, that would hopefully help restore the studio’s fortunes after the finacial disappointments of Pinocchio and Fantasia. The result was the fairly short and sweet movie about an elephant with big ears. Dumbo is the sort of story anybody who wasn’t part of the popular kid’s crowd can enjoy. In fact, instead of looking at Dumbo in the traditional manner, I’m going to examine it as a metaphor for a person’s freshman year in college.