Year in Review

Well, year end is here and I… don’t have a final review ready. Huh, it just sort of happened. I’d meant to write one, but then I didn’t. I blame the whole ninja/pirate thing… and hipsters. Because hipsters ruin everything, don’t they?

So instead I’m closing the year out with a retrospective list of the reviews I liked the best. Not the best movies, oh sweet waffles, no. Just the reviews that I personally found amusing or that I’m particularly fond of. Yes, I know it’s useless, but it’s been an interesting year and truth be told I’m a little exhausted. So, let’s knock this one out quick and then go for drinks, what’d ya say?

Here are my 10 Favorite Reviews of 2010…

Cartoon Review: Bugs Bunny's Looney Christmas Tales

Bugs Bunny's Looney Christmas Tales (1979 Warner Bros. / DePatie-Freleng Enterprises Dir. Friz Freleng & Chuck Jones)

Ah sweet, sweet freedom. I don’t have to do anymore commercials if I don’t want to! Shall we talk about harmless but enjoyable cartoon entertainment for a moment? Let’s talk about what is really the last gasps of the Looney Tunes, the time of the mid-80s when all the guys who had worked on cartoons their whole lives were dying off and studios were shutting down animated production left and right. During those days, just before the nostalgia wave that hit in the 90s, it was hard to produce new Looney Tunes. This was one of the compromises. Partially made by Friz Freleng’s company and partly made by the powerhouse that was Chuck Jones, this holiday special is one of the last times that the old team would produce and entirely new show instead of just making bumpers for compilation movies. Even if it were bad, which it isn’t, it would still have Chuck and Friz and Mel working on it. Actually though, I find it sort of charming, if not anyone’s best work.

TV Review: Agatha Christie’s Poirot: Hercule Poirot's Christmas

Agatha Christie’s Poirot: Hercule Poirot's Christmas (1 January, 1995 Carnival Films Dir. Edward Bennett)

David Suchet has been playing the Belgium Detective Hercule Poirot for about a million years on England’s ITV, which is different from the BBC in several ways that are important to them, but not to us. Mostly, they have commercials. In the 1995-96 series of episodes, they stopped doing hour-long episodes and just stuck to feature length (for TV) movies. This is the first of those movies and hey, it’s a Christmas episode! That’s so convenient, you’d think I grabbed this episode out of a stack just to review it! This is based on the 1938 novel of the same name and as far as I remember the book, it follows pretty faithfully. I haven’t read it in years and years, so I could be mistaken. I’ve looked it up and some sources claim a few characters are deleted from the book, but that tends to happen when one must condense a book for the screen anyway. I’ll mention glaring issues as I notice them.

TV Review: Jack Benny Program (Pain Box)

Last year, I almost wrote this review. Several things got in the way and I crapped out. However, this year I did actually write the review, so all is well.

The Jack Benny Program (1960 CBS dir. James V. Kern)

There is something to be said about a man who could remake the same episode a dozen times and have it called “tradition” rather than “pointless repetition.” What it mostly says is that the guy was some kind of genius. So here is the lowdown on the traditional Jack Benny shopping episode: Jack has trouble deciding on a gift for Don Wilson and proceeds to drive the clerk (played by Mel Blanc) out of his skull with his alterations to that gift. Normally he buys an expensive present and changes his mind about this aspect or that aspect and then goes a head and decides to get the cheap gift by the end of the episode. Is that what happens here? No idea, to be honest I still haven’t watched it. Let’s lay down a fiver right now though. If Jack buys a gift, changes his mind several times and drives Mel Blanc insane, you owe me five bucks. Six if it’s a gift for Don Wilson. If it’s any conciliation, this probably won’t hurt much. I might be a little painful, but most likely it’ll just come off as dated.

Cartoon Review: The Year Without a Santa Claus

The Year Without a Santa Claus (1974 Rankin/Bass Productions Dir. Jules Bass & Arthur Rankin Jr.)

Oh goodie, Rankin & Bass! Because that’s always worked out well for us in the past, huh kids? You remember Rudolph? You remember ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas? Yeah, maybe now you know why I hesitate. The thing is, I remember this one being particularly painful, mainly because it’s the ultimate Rankin/Bass Christmas Story. One where Santa, tired of requests for Red Ryder’s Peacemaker, decides to quit. I know, you’re so shocked by this I can hear you gasping now. I mean, what are the odds, right? I mean he only cancels the trip just about every special he shows up in. Now, in some ways, this is a sequel to Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town, which I haven’t reviewed. You ever notice that most the time when I review a sequel I haven’t reviewed the original? I’ve noticed that if I don’t review the original first, it doesn’t get reviewed. Probably in the fullness of time, I’ll get around to it.

TV Review: The Burns and Allen Show (Pain Box)

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Cartoon Review: A Garfield Christmas

A Garfield Christmas Special (1987 Dir. Phil Roman)

Some of you may remember back in November I ran a review for the Garfield Thanksgiving Special. In that review, I called it the most hateful thing ever connected to Thanksgiving. I meant it then and I mean it now. It was evil, hateful, lacking in any kind of morality and not funny. It told us that deceit and lies were great things that should be rewarded. Well now it's December, and now we're looking at a Christmas Special. Will it be as bad? Who can say? I’m pretty sure that it will be though, I mean it is Garfield after all. I’m guessing it will be self-serving, cynical, and will try ham-fisted emotional manipulation. There will probably be some songs that make you want to pour Clorox right into your ear to try and cleanse your brain of their memory. Let’s see if I’m right!

Holiday Review List

Here are all the holiday reviews I've done for Retroflix along with their score on The Graffiti Bridge Scale...


The Avengers: Too Many Christmas Trees 10 Degrees
Blackadder’s Christmas Carol 5 Degrees
A Charlie Brown Christmas -10 Degrees
Chef! A Bird in the Hand 43 Degrees
A Christmas Carol (1938) -31 Degrees
A Christmas Carol (1984) 68 Degrees
A Christmas Carol (1999) 25 Degrees
He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special 10 Degrees
The History of Christmas 45 Degrees
How the Grinch Stole Christmas -1 Degree
Merry Christmas Mr. Bean 7 Degrees
Mickey’s Christmas Carol -10 Degrees
Miracle on 34th Street 60 Degrees
Morozko (Jack Frost) 73 Degrees
The Muppet Christmas Carol 69 Degrees
A Nero Wolfe Mystery: Christmas Party 45 Degrees
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer -5 Degrees
The Rugrats Chanukah Special 10 Degrees
Rugrats: The Santa Experience 10 Degrees
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians -18 Degrees
Scrooge (1935) -5 Degrees
Scrooge (1951) 87 Degrees
The Simpsons Christmas Special 42 Degrees
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas -87 Degrees
Tales from the Darkside “Seasons of Belief” 80 Degrees
The Vicar of Dibley: The Christmas Lunch Incident 5 Degrees
Will Vinton’s A Claymation Christmas Celebration 21 Degrees
Yes Minister: Party Games 15 Degrees
10 best things about A Christmas Story

TV Review: Tales from the Darkside “Seasons of Belief”

TV Review: Tales from the Darkside “Seasons of Belief”

Tales from the Darkside: Seasons of Belief (Season 3, Episode 11; First Broadcast December 29, 1986; Laurel Productions; Dir. Michael Mc Dowell)

What say we get this VEWPRF season started off right? What better way to get a season started than with an episode of my favorite TV show? That’s right, I’ve got a holiday episode of Tales from the Darkside and I’m not afraid to review it! Like so many other Darkside episodes, this one is based on a short story. This time it’s based on a short story by Michael Bishop a Locus and Nebula Award winning writer. The screen play was written by Michael McDowell who also directed the episode. McDowell is also the man who created Beetlejuice as well as wrote some two dozen books. So what I’m saying is, in this episode, we’re in good hands. Unlike some holiday episodes, this will be a joy to watch. And with that, I just guaranteed you won’t even read past the opening paragraph, didn’t I? Look, I like some things, okay? I try to review things I think I’ll enjoy. Of course, since my program is being handed to me by forces I don’t really understand, it might be crap. I can’t see that happening since at worst a Darkside episode is just dull, but it might. C’mon! Read on and see what happens!

Cartoon Review: How the Grinch Stole Christmas

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966 MGM Television Dir. Chuck Jones)

Well, here we are. One of the biggies. I mean, after Charlie Brown, this is THE cartoon classic for my generation, isn’t it? The story of the meanest guy in the Christmas special stable. How does one get their hate on for The Grinch? Oh sure, there is a logical inconsistency at the end, but it’s a small one. Sure the Whos down in Whoville make one rethink the idea of ethnic cleansing, but how do you hate The Grinch? He’s like the best character for people who are, at best, ambivalent about Christmas. Can I hate The Grinch? I doubt it. Can I hate this special? Only time will tell my darlings…

The Greats: Westerns, Samurai & Kung-fu

For a long time, I’ve had the idea that Kung-Fu movies, Westerns and Samurai movies were all essentially the same thing just for different cultures. Each dated back to the beginning of filmmaking, each looked back to a Golden Age that might never have really existed, and each fell out of favor for a long time only to see a resurgence in recent years. As a result, I decided to cast a wide net and get one great from each of the areas that these movies exist in. Since this is the last day, we’re going to have three from each genre.

The Greats: Sci-Fi

We all like Science Fiction, right? Maybe? A little? Well, you should, and here are the ten movies from that genre that you should see.

Cartoon Review: Rugrats “The Turkey Who Came to Dinner”

Okay, just an update on what’s going on. I appear to have been kidnapped. I seem to be in a small cell with a computer and limited access. So far I’ve been beaten a few times, mainly because I balked when told that I’ll be doing holiday reviews again. This worries me slightly, because I’m kind of getting the idea that these won’t be good specials. Every time I ask what I’ll be reviewing, they just sort of laugh. What I really balked at (I like the word balked) is that I’m supposed to review commercials as well. So, yeah, sort of worried. Let’s see what they’ve assigned me to watch today…

Rugrats: “The Turkey Who Came to Dinner” (First Broadcast 21 November 1997 Nickelodeon Dir. Rick Bugental & Jim Duffy)

Hey! Rugrats, who doesn’t like Rugrats? Okay, don’t answer that one. Some people really don’t like this cartoon, which I can sort of understand I suppose. I like it though, and as such, I’m going to review the Thanksgiving episode. Over packed November schedule be damned! Let’s do one more thing so December will seem like slim pickings by comparison! This is an episode from ’97, so it’s back from before the show jumped the shark by including new babies. Before that though, I actually liked Rugrats. You must remember, when the show was new, so was the idea of winking at the adults with jokes that would go over the kid’s heads. Everyone does it now, but this was one of the first places I can remember it happening. So, yeah, I liked the show. Let’s se how this Thanksgiving special stacks up.

The Greats: Crime Pictures

Holy crap! Someone stole the intro for this piece. Darn them thieves.

The Greats: Historical Movies

Pretty much, movies that take place before the time that the movie was shot in. That’s a historical piece and that’s all the criteria I used for picking these.

TV Review: Beverly Hillbillies Thanksgiving (Pain Box)

The Beverly Hillbillies: Turkey Day (1963 CBS Dir. Richard Whorf)

The Beverly Hillbillies is to the south what a Minstrel show is to blacks. It’s nasty, ugly, and carries a lot of very offensive jokes that just are not funny. This episode is in black and white, and it’s hard to think of a time when this was on in prime time, instead of weekday afternoons. Actually, in this day and age it’s hard to imagine this hateful crap was on screen at all. There can be no mystery as to why so many people in America think people from the south are stupid when watching this. This is practically a cavalcade of bigotry, and I hate every moment of it. However, I bought the thing and I need to have a review for this slot so I guess I’d better get to it.

An Epic Marathon

You know what would make for an extremely long feeling movie marathon? Epics! I just had the idea that if you showed only Historical Epics, you could get away with maybe 6 movies in a whole day. I decided to see what I had in my collection and how much time it would eat up if I watched them all. I’m giving a slightly loose definition of epic, but I’m adamant about a 180 minute (3 hour) minimum run time. I’m going by the times on my particular DVD boxes, because the times vary from website to website. I’m leaving out things I don’t own and I’m leaving out Braveheart because screw Mel Gibson.

Seven Samurai
Criterion Collection Edition, 2 DVDs 207 minutes (3 hours, 27 minutes)

Ben Hur
1959 version, 2 DVDs, 212 minutes (3 hours, 32 minutes)

The Ten Commandments
1956 version, 2 DVDs, 220 minutes (3 hours 40 minutes)

Lord of The Rings Trilogy
Extended editions (each movie is over the 180 mark), 6 DVDs, 682 minutes (11 hours, 22 minutes)

The Last Emperor
TV Cut, 1 DVD, 218 minutes (Three hours, 38 minutes)

Godfather Triolgy*
4 DVDs or 3 Blu-Ray, 549 minutes (9 hours, 9 minutes)

Kingdom of Heaven
Director's Cut, 2 DVDs, 194 minutes (3 hours, 14 minutes)

Spartacus
Criterion Edition 1 DVD, 196 minutes (3 hours 16 minutes)

Amadeus
Directors Cut, 2 DVDs, 180 minutes (3 hours)

Hamlet
Branagh Version, 2 DVDs, 242 minutes (4 hours 2 minutes)

Schindler's List
2 DVDs, 196 Minutes (3 hours, 16 minutes)

Once Upon a Time in America
Diector's Cut, 2 DVDs, 229 minutes (3 Hours 49 minutes)

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
There are two main editions, this one and the Special Extended cut. 1 DVD, 177 or 179 minutes (Because I feel bad about it missing by a minute or two. By the time you get through the menus and the warnings, it gets to 3 hours)

Casino
2 DVDs, 179 minutes (Another one I felt bad about missing the 3 hour mark by 1 minute)


Total:
18 Movies
3683 Minutes (About 62 hours, which would put you into the third day of solid watching.)
30 discs (So you'd pretty much end up swapping discs as many times as you would without the epics.)

If you start on Thanksgiving, and go all the way to Sunday, you could do it. You'd have to park it for about 16 hours a day and really be into very long movies, but if you've got no other plans for next weekend, give it a whirl.



* Yes, yes, Parts 1 and 3 are only 170 minutes each, but who cares? It would feel strange just watching Part 2, wouldn't it? Tell you what, take some minutes from Braveheart, which we aren't watching anyway and give them to the Godfather movies. I guess you could watch both halves of Red Cliff or Kill Bill instead if you really want, but those are both cheats as the theatrical releases were split into 2 movies each.

The Greats: Fantasy

I fantasize about a world where I can get an intern to write intros for me.
I’m trying to cast a wide net with these selections, but this week I failed. Most of these were made within a few years of each other. I put it down to the fact that my formative years coincided quite nicely with a renaissance in fantasy filmmaking. A couple of obvious things like The Empire Strikes Back and Raiders of The Lost Ark aren’t here because they’ve already been addressed in last week’s entry.

Cartoon Review: This is America, Charlie Brown “The Mayflower Voyagers”

See there? That’s “Real” America.

This is America, Charlie Brown:The Mayflower Voyagers" (October 21, 1988 Dir. Evert Brown)

I have no joke for this one.

I’ve been holding back on this one for years, and I was wondering whether or not I should do it this year. After all, when you take into account how much I’m posting for The Greats and reposting some specials on new blogs and writing a couple of new reviews… I could have waited. This is going to be a very full November for us. I could set the two new reviews off and wait until next year, but then what fun would that be? Besides, I’ve had a bad time this year, and last year, and 2008 wasn’t so hot either if you want the truth. So I decided to calm my nerves by watching something that would send me into a nice relaxing screaming fit. I’m going to also throw every ounce of honest truth at this thing. I’m warning you now, don’t read this thing if you want to keep your stupid, factually deficient lies about the so called pilgrims. I intend to shine the light down on this thing and watch it run like a pack of roaches.

Cartoon Review: A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (1973 Dir. Bill Melendez)

From his dopey, drugged out look I have to suggest he was watching "I love the 80s" on VH1

When this review was first written, this was the only other Thanksgiving special I could find in my collection. Someone told me that there are some more, but I'd have to watch TV shows I hate to find them so never mind. Using the two I've seen, I will now make sweeping generalizations about any and all Thanksgiving specials. They are heavily padded to make up for short scripts, they involve lots of costume changes, grandmothers not being up to the normal ideal of granmotherlyness, they all have jazz soundtracks, alternate menus for thanksgiving feature heavily as do the difficulties in food preparation and Drew Barrymore was hot in the 90s. That's not actually part of the show, but this picture just popped up as my wallpaper and it sort of stopped me for a moment. Nothing serious but it did give me a second of “Whoa, she was hot there” and I thought I would share that moment with you as it might be the last enjoyable moment we ever share. After looking her up out of curiosity, she still looks really good actually. Enough of this tangent though! Let's start the cartoon, shall we?

The Greats: Horror

I’m too scared to write a proper into. Horror movies are scary!

Cartoon Review: Garfield's Thanksgiving

Garfield's Thanksgiving (1989 Dir. Phil Roman)

You know what? I've discovered recently, I hate Garfield. It's really sad when the best part of your cartoon is that Lou Rawls sings the song over your credit sequence. It's doubly sad because I always sort of saw that as an attempt to copy the Peanuts Specials with their use of Vince Guaraldi's jazz music. Of course since Garfield was a cynical and calculated attempt to cash in on what had gone before, it pretty much measures up. I hate to be really nasty, but it is true that Garfield hasn't been funny in 20 years and these specials pinpoint that fact. There is a joke in here that shows up in all three of the specials on this DVD, pretty much at the same time in each one too. It's pretty sad to see how little effort went into each of these cartoons.

The Greats: Great Series

If you want to know whether or not you should listen to a critic, you should hear what they think The Greats are. So here are my suggestions for you to peruse. We’ll start with movie series that I think are great.

I’m posting this first to avoid people thinking that I forgot to mention some of the movies that won’t be turning up. I’d hate to hear that it’s no big deal, but how could I forget to add that one movie to the list? That surely I couldn’t have thought it inferior, could I? Well, no of course not. What happened was I couldn’t decide which movie from a particular series to add to the list. You can’t go around naming every movie from a series, because then you’re just padding the list out to make ten. No, instead you’ve either got to name the group as a whole, or write a list made up entirely of series. I did the later. Here we have the ten film series that I think are essential to informed movie watching.

Cartoon Review: Garfield's Halloween Adventure

Garfield's Halloween Adventure



You know, with the Garfield Halloween special, I'm almost inclined to link to X-Entertainment's review and call it a day. However, I decided when I started this that I would try and do more than just link to a review and then give my thoughts. It's going to be hard not to either blow this or end up doing a run down of everything that happens which is less a review and more a written description. The chief problem with Garfield is that he’s purely a cynical attempt to cash in on things. From the very start, that was Jim Davis’s idea, to make a media powerhouse and damned if he didn’t do it. With that in mind though, and that being admitted, it feel facile to simply complain that this is a cynical, phoned in attempt to grab some ratings for Halloween. Doesn’t mean that isn’t what this is, but it does feel sort of redundant at this point.

Cartoon Review: It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966 CBS, Dir. Bill Menedez)

What would Halloween be for a Baby Boomer - Gen Xer former kid without Linus Van Pelt sitting in a pumpkin patch waiting for Santa Claus to come? What's that? Oh yes, the Great Pumpkin was originally devised by Charles Schultz as an amusing story about Linus being badly confused about Christmas and Halloween. Since Linus started out as an eccentric baby in the strip, this was probably a logical extension of that. Oddly, the sun shows up twice inside of 6 seconds in this thing. Right at the opening bit, They pass the sun, and then just as Linus is going to throw the apple away they pass it again.

Movie Review: Twilight Zone: The Movie

Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983 Warner Bros. Dir. John Landis, Steven Spielberg, Joe Dante & George Miller)

Hey! An anthology without AIP, Vincent Price or Stephen King’s writing! It’s not even based or inspired by EC comics! Woo! Something different. This time it’s the movie based on the Twilight Zone TV show, which probably was only made after everyone saw how well Creepshow did. Far as I can tell, Steven Spielberg & John Landis put this joint together with Frank Marshall as the Executive Producer. Sort of like how after Tales from the Darkside did so well, Spielberg made Amazing Stories. That’s not to say that this is bad or anything, just saying that it’s a copycat production made after Romero proved that it could be done. I will say however that this sort of a crystallization of these directors in that time period. Everything you want to know about Landis, Spielberg, Dante and Miller in the early 1980s, you can learn by watching this movie. They pretty much bring all their early 80s tropes with them to this production. Is that good? Is it bad? We’ll have to see…

Movie Review: The Immortals (Pain Box)

The Immortals (1995 Nu Image Films Dir. Brian Grant)

Because it takes place at Halloween, that’s why! What, was that? You hadn’t actually asked why we were watching a heist movie as part of our Halloween special? Well, that’s probably because you’d never heard of this before. And why would you? As far as I know, it was just a direct to video/cable movie that came and went like the wind during the mid-nineties when HBO was showing things like this about once a week. I saw it back in the day and I remembered it well enough that when I noticed it was part of a pain box set I bought it. I got this from Target, as part of a 1 disc, four movie set from Echo Bridge Entertainment. Welcome to the Pain Box Club guys! Actually, Echo Bridge can't be blamed for this movie. Like most Pain Box distributors, they didn't make this thing. They just acquired the rights to it. Interesting point though, they actually seem to own the rights to this movie, at least in North America. Most Pain Box makers just grab whatever is in the public domain and throw it out there. Not that I believe they meant to buy this and distribute it. I'm going to go ahead and assume that when they bought Alliance Atlantis, it was part of the library that they got with the sale. I can’t imagine anyone deciding to seek out this movie so they could have the rights, particularly not so they could release it on a disc with two other forgotten mid-90s gangster movies and a blaxploitation film. No, this smacks of “We have the rights to these, what’d you want to do with them?” However, that doesn’t mean the movie is horrible, we should give every movie that comes across our plate an equal chance to delight or at least surprise us. Particularly this one, as I remember it being pretty good.

Movie Review: Creepshow 2

Creepshow 2 (1987 New World Pictures Dir. Michael Gornick)

How do you follow the success of one of the most popular horror anthology movies ever? You make Tales from the Darkside for TV of course. What if you’re knee deep in that program and someone reminds you that Creepshow was a theatrical release and that they’d like to have another movie? Well, if you make a sort of halfhearted sequel that’s under funded and as a result fails to capture quite the spirit of the original. I place no blame at the feet of director Michael Gornick. I’ve listened to his commentary and it sounds like he made the best product he could with the tools he was given to work with. The problem was that New World Pictures was trying to make the movie on less than half what the first movie cost, which I can’t help but wonder if that frustrated Romero, which caused him to pass on directing duties. As I understand it, Romero was going to write and direct, and then decided to pass the directing duties to Tom Savini, who either because of time or not wanting to deal with what was becoming a cost cutting adventure passed it on to Gornick. Additionally, because of some production problems, the bonding company ended up placing extra pressure on the company asking them to speed up the production. So, there was some frustration in production, and that caused the end product to be less than stellar. It’s not even that this is bad, or not an enjoyable ride. It’s good, it’s fun, it’s just not as good or as fun as the original. It’s worth watching though, so let’s dive in and check it out.

Movie Review: Hamlet (review 101)

I decided, in order to make up for the abysmal showing of my 100^th review, I would make up for it by showing off something special. Something foreign with an exploitative topic of a man murdering his brother so he could bang his wife and steal the inheritance. The story of a son, discovering his father murdered flies into a murderous rage. A young girl’s boyfriend takes sexual advantage of her, murders her father, and then leaves her to fall into insanity, eventually driving her to her own suicide. It’s even got a supernatural element, just in case you were afraid that this could in anyway be considered classy. A man even gets two of his old school chums murdered, more or less for the lulz.

What is this movie you ask?

Word up for The Bard bitches!

Hamlet (1996 Castle Rock Entertainment Dir. Kenneth Branagh)

Now I know what you’re asking… am I kidding? NO! I am not. Had this been written in 1975, entitled “Prince of Blood” or any of a dozen alternate titles, and made for under $100K it would be looked down on as much as any other exploitation movie. It’s got all the nasty hooks. Ghosts, revenge, sexual shenanigans, murder, a hint of incest, bad action, characters that pop in and out of the tale at random, and huge events happening off camera. Not to spoil it for you, but one of the most important side characters in the entire play dies off screen! This is not a classy play, let’s be clear on that. This is an exploitation movie, plain and simple. It just happens to get a larger budget and better actors than most exploitation flicks. Because of that, it’s a great exploitation movie, don’t get me wrong, but it is still exploitation. Not only that, but it’s a really silly exploitation movie. Let us be perfectly frank about this so called Greatest Work of the English Language. If the script for Hamlet were handed in today, zombie Louis B. Mayer would rise up from the grave and slap the taste out of Shakespeare’s mouth.

Movie Review: Twice Told Tales

Twice-Told Tales (1963 United Artists Dir. Sidney Salkow

Hey, how about that? An anthology horror movie that isn’t based on Stephen King stories or was made by the good people at American International (a name that frankly confounds me) for a change. It still has Vincent Price in it though, so we’re not totally out to sea without a familiar landmark. We got Vinnie, we’re good. After Tales of Terror did so well, one assumes United Artists wanted to get in on the horror anthology game. Since AIP had a lock on Edgar Allan Poe's work, UA went for three stories from Nathaniel Hawthorne. Or, maybe they never even heard about Tales of Horror and it was just chance that they got AIP’s biggest star to be in a horror movie for them. Sure, that’s probably it… chance. Probably just chance that it looks like a Corman Poe movie too.

The Goonies Conundrum

If you didn’t grow up during the 80s, allow me to give you a quick catch up. In 1985, Richard Donner directed a kids adventure movie called The Goonies. It was one part Indiana Jones style adventure throw back, one part Famous Five, one part pirate story and about 6 parts pure 1980s. It was a goofy kids movie that was extremely popular back in the day, but is now a very divisive movie. Some movie geeks still hold it up as the pinnacle of Kid’s Movies, while others claim it’s a festering turd. Others, mainly hipsters who need to be drowned in a bathtub, claim it was always crap and that they never ever liked it. Most these people are the same assholes who try and convince you they always hated the Ewoks despite still having their Wicket stuffed toy from ’85.

In truth, it’s pretty hard to say the movie holds up as an adult. I have shown it to people who missed it as kids and they’ve always had the same response, “What is this crap?” This says to me that you have to view it as a kid to like it. As an experiment, I showed it to a few of kids who were between seven and ten, and they all said the same thing… “Please Mister, I won’t tell anyone, just let me go.” Once they realized they couldn’t gnaw through the restraints and that I wasn’t going to molest them or anything, they enjoyed the movie. Conclusion: You’ve got to be a kid to like Goonies. The Problem is that a lot of people who are no longer kids keep trying to watch the movie.

What always gets me is that people who really liked the movie, and come back as adults and find it didn’t revive the magic for them, get really really, really mad about it. They get very vocal about how it sucks, it always sucks, you suck for liking it and your mom sucks on the corner for nickels. You can often sense the same disappointment and resentment that comes off fanboys like a bad smell because The Star Wars didn’t leap off the screen and felate them in their seats. The magic didn’t happen twice and it’s clearly the movie’s fault!

My question however is, why would anyone expect it to? You’re an adult and it’s a kid’s movie. NOT I hearken to point out, if hearken is indeed the word I want, a family movie. Toy Story is a family movie, because both an adult and a child can watch it to be affected by its mawkish sentimentality. Goonies is a movie for kids though, without a single concession made to the adults who might be forced to watch. Not a single winking pop-culture reference or a double entendre meant to go over the tykes head to be found. Yes my dears, this is not Shrek… and thank the All Might Waffle for THAT mercy. This is purely a movie for kids, which again leads me to the question of why is a 30 year old trying to watch it? Why not move on to some adult fare for a change? It’s not for your adult self, it won’t work because they didn’t put anything for adults there. Yet, people try, and they get angry because they expect (almost to the point of demanding) that their feelings on a piece of entertainment never, ever change.

As much as I appreciate that some things from childhood can still be appreciated, ours seems to be a generation that took the Toys R Us song to heart. While I may still wish to have an action figure from time to time, to be honest I’m far more likely to buy a toy from Babeland than I am to get one from TRU. Ours is a society that is deep in a period of arrested development. We’re just remaking and repackaging things from our childhood right now. Worse yet, we’re embracing it, begging it to be as good as it was the first time. When it’s not, the disappointment comes off people like waves. This isn’t an isolated effect, I’m just pasting it to Goonies for an example.

For myself, I’ll say that Goonies doesn’t hold up for me, but I didn’t really expect it to. I don’t resent it, I have fond memories, but I have no real desire to revisit it because I feel I’m past that point. I’m sort of turned off by the treatment of Chunk these days really. Come to that, Data feels like a racist portrayal as well. Not in a way that makes me want to burn copies of the film surrounded by people in matching shirts and armbands or anything, just in a way that makes me sort of queasy. I don’t mind the movie that much though. It’s good enough for what it is, it’s just that what it is, isn’t for who I am. It was fine when I was in the demographic, but now that I’m out of it I’m no longer interested.

I’m skipping over the fact that the other side of this coin is the people who do still watch it and do still enjoy it on some level who get amazingly angry if anyone so much as says “Well, it was alright when I was a kid, but I’m not a kid anymore.” because I’ve only got so much energy, Besides, I started with a clear concept and seem to have muddied my mental waters by splashing around, so I’ll just leave it here for the moment.

More thoughts as they come to me.

Movie Review: Tales of Terror

Tales of Terror (1962 AIP Dir. Roger Corman)

Right before the out and out comedy of The Raven, the idea of adding a little lightness was experimented with in Tales of Terror. This is a little set of three Edgar Allan Poe stories, but done in that very special Corman way, by which I mean they only vaguely follow the original stories if at all. Part of the reasons Corman went on like this is that the stories are actually so short, or in some cases deal almost entirely with sensation, that it would be impossible to spin a coherent narrative out for 90 minutes. Partly it was budget constraints. Fewer characters meant fewer actors. For the most part, they pulled it off. This however, just might be the weakest of the Corman Poe Cycle. It’s okay though, chronologically they hit a low point in the middle and swept back up to great heights by the end. Usually a series dips and then just keeps going down hill, but Corman saved it and brought the whole thing to a triumphant conclusion.

Movie Review: Creepshow

Creepshow (1982 Warner Bros. Dir. George A. Romero)

How does one begin to talk about Creepshow? I have to do an above the fold description, but it’s hard to know where to begin. This is a strange celebration of so many things that established wisdom says is bad for you. The horror comics of the E.C. era, anthology films, and of cheap and dirty storytelling. See, anthology movies never work. So says Hollywood. Argument not without some merit, as they rarely find an audience, thus they have poor box office and are difficult to manage artistically. The horror comic scare of demented perverts like Fredric Wertham* are the reason wanna be lawmakers even today try to demonize funny books. And even the short stories that these tales are based on are looked down on by snooty critics who can’t find any merit is works that people might actually enjoy reading. This is just a big bowl of everything that’s bad for you. I guess that’s why it’s so darn good. This is King and Romero doing their best scary-fun work.

*I’m just saying, no one ever though Batman and Robin were gay until this guy pointed it out. We also didn’t know Plastic Man was a phallic reference before him, or that Wonder Woman was a lesbian slut or that Superman was an un-American fascist. The guy was deranged, and a seriously shitty researcher to boot. I honestly can’t decry the fuckbag enough.

Movie Review: Tales from the Crypt

Tales from the Crypt (1972 Amicus Productions Dir. Freddie Francis)

Tales from the Crypt! No, not this Tales from the Crypt, nor this one, not even that one that had Dennis Miller in it, but the 1972 UK movie. The Stories are based on the old EC comics though, just not all of them are from Tales. One is from The Vault of Horror, two are from The Haunt of Fear and two are from Tales from the Crypt. However, as they were all owned by EC Comics, I'm sure it doesn't matter. Most the guys who actually wrote the stories that these short films were based on worked on all three comics so there was a lot of cross pollination and I'm sure it really didn't matter too much which comic they actually got published in as long as there was money involved. Hell, since The Old Witch, Vault Keeper and the Crypt Keeper kept showing up in all three titles, I'm pretty sure any given artist or writer had no idea what title would end up being slapped on any given book on any given day! “Enough history!” I hear you cry out. “What about the movie?”

TV Review: An Evening of Edgar Allan Poe

An Evening of Edgar Allan Poe (1972 AIP Dir. Kenneth Johnson)


Okay, so I’m cheating a little here. This isn’t really a movie, so much as it’s a TV special, and it’s not even a proper narrative because it’s actually a one man show. Vincent Price recites four Edgar Allan Poe stories. In order they are… The Tell-Tale Heart, The Sphinx, The Cask of Amontillado and The Pit and the Pendulum. If I seem to be a bit short on explanation, that’s because that’s really all this is. It’s a 53 minute made for TV special that probably bumped I Dream of Jeannie for a week. There isn’t a hell of a lot to say about this.

Doesn’t mean I won’t fill a few pages with wit and snark though. Come on! Let’s tear into this baby. Who’s with me?

And now another episode of "That Really Happened"

Did you know there was a western with an all-midget cast?

Not a joke.

It was called The Terror of Tiny Town.

...

That really happened.

They really made a midget western.

I have not exaggerated one bit. Look, I've got the poster and everything.



You KNOW my photoshop-fu is non-existent.

Jed Buell woke up one morning (one presumes in a whiskey fog) in 1938 and actually said "I know! I'll make a western with a bunch of the guys who are going to be munchkins in The Wizard of Oz. AWESOME!"
And instead of just waiting for the booze to stop talking, he went ahead and made it. And then... for some strange reason, he allowed it to lapse into the public domain, so I can provide a link where you can download it for free! Completely legal too.

You can watch the whole thing right now.



However, if you want it on DVD (and why wouldn't you?) you can buy it. Yes, the internet has allowed us the ability to actually own The Terror of Tiny Town on DVD.

Movie Review: Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye

Well! It’s that time again! September has begun and with it, my two month run up to Halloween. I like Halloween, and I like the Halloween run up. I also like this time of year because I don’t really have to think about my schedule for the next four months. Halloween movies in September and October, movie suggestions in November, and then the VEWPRF stuff in December. The only real question is do I do reviews with a theme or just toss out a bunch of appropriate movies? Well, this year, we’re going with a theme. I’ve decided to review one of my favorite genres, the Anthology Movie. I have no idea why, but there seems to be more horror anthology out there than other kinds. Maybe I’ve got a selective eye on this and just forget all the things that aren’t horror, but it feels like there are more horror anthologies out there. Either way, we’re going to spend from now until November checking them out! So let’s start with…

TITLE PAGE!

Cat’s Eye (1985 DEG Dir. Lewis Teague)

Around the time Stephen King was getting ready to make Maximum Overdrive, The De Laurentiis Entertainment Group was making another King movie. This one was, as far as I can tell, the second of three movies that De Laurentiis and King would make together. The first being Firestarter and the last being Maximum Overdrive. Like Firestarter, this also has Drew Barrymore in it and like the other two films it was shot in and around Wilmington, North Carolina. It’s also directed by the man who directed Cujo, so there is a strong contingent of King Veterans in this movie. It contains two stories from Nightshift and a story that, again as far as I can tell, was just written for the screenplay for this movie.

Movie Review: Victory Through Air Power

Victory Through Air Power (1943 United Artists Prod. Walt Disney*)
*There are four directors listed, three animated and one live action director. Besides, in this context the producer is more important than the directors.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “He’s only reviewing this because it’s a 70 minute propaganda piece and he thinks he can get away with writing a really short review.” Now I could say many, many things about that. I could complain that I’m being insulted, that this is a cynical statement that detracts from my interest in historical documents, and that you smell and no one likes you. However, it’s hard to get away from the fact that all those things are actually true. Including the bit about how you smell. However, it’s an interesting enough piece to write a review on, so I’ll give it a go. Allow us to discuss.

Movie Review: The Dark Half

You know, we've seen us some dull title cards on this blog, but this one takes the cake. It was a nice cake too.

The Dark Half (1993 Orion Pictures Dir. George A. Romero)

This is not one of the better-loved Stephen King books, so I suppose it’s natural that the movie wouldn’t be that beloved either. Hell, I had to order a copy from England just to get a proper widescreen edition. Part of the problem was that the movie sort of flopped when it came out, which it did nearly two years after it was made, due to Orion’s death throws. The release of this movie could almost be considered a final death spasm, and as such, it wasn’t enthusiastically promoted or even properly funded. All this means that not many people saw the movie, however one cannot simply blame that as people who have seen the movie aren’t that impressed by it. This makes it much like the book, which is one of my favorites, but they can’t all be The Stand or IT now can they? Still, let us clear those things from our mind and try to focus on this movie. How does it stack up against the book or other King movies? Well, let’s see…

Movie Review: The Killer

The Killer (1989 Golden Princess Dir. John Woo)

Really, we’re going to do The Killer? We want to go to that one? We don’t have some obscure shoot ‘em up that no one has seen? Out of cheap westerns already? Actually, we just did one, so probably don’t want to do another for a while lest I be known as the “Cheap Westerns Guy” which would kill my stab at being the “Doesn’t Like Anything New Guy” for the internet. I suppose I should explain my reluctance before we go much further. I like John Woo’s movies, but I don’t like them in their entirety. There are a lot of problems with John Woo, like he really, really wants to make a romance but keeps making gun operas that are like old-fashioned westerns. I wish he’d just make a romantic western and get it out of his system. Possibly, he wants to make a gay romance, but can’t come to terms with it and has to have the guys shooting at each other. There is an undercurrent of homoerotic bromanceness about his movies, after all. Another problem is that he’s another one of these guys who keeps wanting to have his movies run about 9 hours long, forgetting that he’s making commercial action movies. So a lot of what he thinks the movie is supposed to be ends up on the cutting room floor, which is never a good thing. Anytime you have to cut a movie in half, it looses coherency. What I’m saying is, that while I like The Killer, I’m afraid that in reviewing it I’m going to end up vivisecting it and just point out all its flaws to the world. However, this is the movie I’ve slatted for this week and if I don’t review it I’ll be going back on what I said I’d do, so here we go.

Movie Review: Alice in Wonderland (1933 Version)

Alice in Wonderland (1933 Paramount Dir. Norman McLeod)

Why did Tim Burton feel he needed to make a dark version of Alice in Wonderland? A nightmare-educing version was made in 1933, and remains as horrifying as ever. Even in its cut down 77-minute version, it can scare an entire orphanage for months of sleepless nights and it wasn’t even trying. It’s just that the make-up is pretty creepy. I’m in my thirties, I’m not particularly squeamish and just the opening credit sequence is creeping me the hell out. I’ll explain about the open credits. See, Paramount wanted to exploit the fact that Lewis Carroll’s 100th birthday had caused a resurgence of interest in the Alice stories. This movie is based on one of the many stage plays going around at that time. In order to pull the studio out of a jam, they put all their biggest stars in the movie. However, the make-up jobs were so over the top that almost none of these big name actors could be recognized. The movie was sort of a massive, amazing, epic, almost studio ending… flop. Yeah, it crashed, burned, and took out a small village. Mae West had to shake her money maker like she’d never shook before in order to save the studio after this thing. A lot of people claimed the failure was that the actors couldn’t be recognized, I say it’s because the make-up creeped out strong men and scared weak and feeble women. Anyway, that’s a long enough opening paragraph, let’s dive in and see what we’ve got shall we?

Movie Review: Donald in Mathmagic Land

Donald in Mathmagic Land (1959 Buena Vista Film Dir. Hamilton Luske*)
*Luske was the supervising director, with three other’s listed as Sequence Directors.

Like a lot of Walt’s extended short subjects, this half hour production was actually given a theatrical release. Shown with Darby O'Gill and the Little People of all things, this movie interestingly offsets that one. I’m not sure why math and insulting the Irish with stereotypes was thought to have synergy, but there it is. The chief problem is that I’m not sure how educational this movie actually is in the format of a theatrical release. It isn’t that this is a bad movie or anything, it just seems like it’s more to stir your mind rather than actually teach you anything. I can understand it being a film shown in schools, because it seems like your teacher should come out and start talking as soon as it ends. It feels like a discussion tool rather than a piece of general admission entertainment.

Ten Best Non-Superhero Comic Book Movies

There is a flaw in this list. I’m hoping if I point it out in the introduction, I’ll be forgiven for the flaw. See, this isn’t really the best movies based on comic books that aren’t superhero themed, just the best ones I’ve personally seen. Ghost World is supposed to be really good, but I’ve just never gotten around to watching it. As a result, it can’t get on the list. That fact flaws this list immensely, but hopefully not to a point where it becomes unforgivable.

Movie Review: Blindman (Pain Box)

Blindman (1971 Dir. Ferdinando Baldi)

Hey, did you know Ringo Starr was in a Spaghetti Western? No? Me either! What do you want to bet that it’s crap? No, I won’t even give odds. Now, I think I have a cut version of this movie, because IMDB claims 105 minutes but the movie on this disc clocks in at 84 minutes. The scant information I can find on the internet claims that the original contained violence towards women that approached misogynistic levels and then went over that line by about ten miles. The back of the box only promises Zatoichi like blind dude action, I didn’t know it would include moral outrage free with purchase. Yeah, I’m starting to write the review before I’ve seen the movie again. I think it’s more exciting this way. Before we go much further, go look up a neat little cocktail called a Spaghetti Western, then make three. Two for you, one for me. If it gets hairy at the end, you can drink mine too.

Movie Review: Azumi

Azumi (2003 Dir. Ryûhei Kitamura)

This one is by special request. Actually, Syd suggested it more than requested it, but it sounded better to say it was a request. You might want to make yourself a Samurai Girl before we start though, as a cocktail sometimes helps the movie gown down a little more easily. This is a movie based on a manga, which I’ve never read and thus have no idea if it matches the source material or not. I’m not finding a lot of information, so we’ll go the route of ignoring the comic book for the moment. I only bring it up because this is clearly a manga-ish movie. It’s also a sort of uneven movie in several respects. I’m going to say it at the start, so I won’t feel compelled to say it every time it comes up. Aya Ueto can act, but she’s not the best actor you’ve ever seen. What she can’t do is sword fight. It’s clear she was picked because she was cute and she was clearly a rising star at the time. She’s not exactly bad in this, but it’s pretty clear the character of Azumi is supposed to be a badass with the sword and it doesn’t come off properly here. Anyway, shall we begin? I should state here and now that my copy comes from England that I bought it about a year or two before there was a Region 1 disc and has it burned in subtitles. If you see subs in the screen caps, that’s just because of my troubles getting the shot I wanted. If you buy anything but the Optimum Asia disc from the UK, you probably won’t have burned in subs. If you need a drink with your film, try a Samurai Girl, which is actually pretty delicious.

Movie Review: The Spirit

Title page!

The Spirit (2008 Lionsgate Dir. Frank Miller)

Get out your manliest whiskey for this one kids. Not because you like it, but because that's what a Real Man® is supposed to drink. Yes, once again, my love for the silly and the stupid comes through. Here’s a controversial statement for you, The Spirit is actually pretty good. Okay, yes, the movie is bad. BUT! It’s a good kind of bad. It’s a “Saturday night with friends and a bottle” bad. In fact, it’s a lot of fun if you watch it with the right mindset. Yes, that mindset is that this is going to be a fun, campy, adolescent thrill ride, but I will point out it is based on a comic book.