Cartoon Review: The Smurfs Christmas Special

The Smurfs Christmas Special (1982/ Hanna-Barbera/ Dir. Gerald Baldwin)

It wasn't supposed to be like this. My first holiday special review in two years... it was supposed to be a momentous occasion. It should have been filled with joy, and laughter, not this. I said some time ago that I was sort of done with reviews that only amounted to complaints. I mean... look, The Avengers happened and we're liking things because we like them again, not because we hate them and want to imagine we're superior to them. I want you to know, I started this with the purest of intentions. Sadly The Smurfs Christmas Special did not hold up.

There is no way to properly summarize this, no way to discuss it on its merits, or play on the themes. Mostly, because I have no idea what happened. The best I can hope for is a synopsis, going down the line point by point. Maybe, together, we can reach and understanding. Just remember the mantra "I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks!"

Skyfall Review (In Bullet Point Form!)

Short Version: I liked it, but with some reservations.

1. It feels like this movie was written for Brosnan. Or at least, like they started with a Brosnan script. Not in a bad way, not necessarily, but it feels sort of early in Craig's run for people to be accusing him of being too old for this shit. Also, ALL the computer talk is straight out of 1999.

2. It's interesting that in 22 minutes they told more of Bond's backstory than they did in 22 movies. As a result, Bond feels more like a complete character than he ever has before.

3. I was apprehensive about the inclusion of Q, however I was willing to see what they'd do. Bond and Q - together, they fight crime. He's a near perfect foil for this Bond, and the fact that Syd and I spent 10 minutes talking about his little "Q" mug proves they did something right.

4. The CGI Komodo Dragon was jarring and distracting, as was the CGI breath. I think because that was the only CGI in the movie, it really stood out.

5. Batman, Spider-Man, Iron Man, Superman, Luke Skywalker, Black Dynamite, James Bond... anyone here NOT an orphan?

6. At one point, six to eight blackmen terrorists in black leather carrying machine guns come to a house in Scotland to fight a blue eyed hero and I turned to Syd and said "This just turned into a Jack Higgins Novel" and then it turned into Home Alone.

7. Bond didn't go into any kind of Gay Panic, instead he goes with it. I liked that. I'm not sure how to interpret his comment, but I don't think it matters. Either he's cool enough to play the guy, or he has played both sides of the field at one time or another. I don't much care, they both work for me.

8. Can just ONE bond girl live in one of Craig's movies? It was interesting the first two movies, but Bond's dick is clearly the Harbinger of Doom. 20 minutes after getting funky with Bond, you die. It's like The Ring or some shit.



Some Spoilers now follow...

Grump!

Holy Crab Cakes! I've not written a review for this month. Remember when I did them once a week? Yeah, me either. Work ate my life, and one day we'll have a discussion about depression when mixed with ADD. Enough of that though, allow us to discuss the subject of today's review. As I've said before, Thanksgiving is tough for a reviewer. There aren't many things out there because Thanksgiving is only a set holiday in America and Canada. As a result, you can't ship the special to Europe like you can with Christmas, so there is less value in producing it. Lest you think I'm exaggerating in this, let me tell you that the last time I was in France, half the shows on the tube were American. Our chief export to the world is cultural and no one wants to hurt their potential market. As a result, I've either reviewed all the Thanksgiving fare worth reviewing, or I can't get screen caps because my dvd player and the Simpson's Season 2 discs aren't getting along. So I'm kind of at loose ends now.

In the past, I would have suggested a raft or two of films you could watch when you had the four day weekend, but I feel like I've shot my bolt on that one too. If I'm going to give you movies to watch, I'm going to give you a real essentials list that will inform and educate while entertaining you. I don't really want to do counter programming right now, because I'm not in that mood. I don't know what to do and time is running out.

I could finally unleash some of my more bizarre fan theories at you, like how Interview With the Vampire and The Big Lebowski are essentially the same story told in different ways or how Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol is a remake of The Wizard of Oz. I've got one that states that all the slasher movies from the 80s are in the same universe as Hostel and that they moved from providing an avenue for spree killers and adjusted as the market moved to give a place for torturers as well. There is even the really crazy one I have that says the entire James Bond series from Connery to Brosnan was the career of one guy and it's an unbroken continuity.

What I'm saying is "Give me a minute" because this is going to take a little while.

Wreck it Ralph Review - In Bullet Point Form!

I liked Wreck-It Ralph, let's talk a little.

1. I thought the opening short was too good. I thought it might diminish the feature. It didn't, but it was an utterly charming little bit of animation.

2. Going to have to buy this on DVD so I can catch all the little jokes and references they threw in.

3. "She has the most tragic backstory of all time." That line killed.

4. They did their homework. Even if the people who worked on this are all about my age and as such are gamers from when I was gaming, they did their home work. There are a lot of gags, references, and an overall understanding of how video games work here. These guys knew what they were doing.

5. Most the jokes were funny, most the characters were interesting, most the story works really well.

6. Some of the characters move like their video game counter parts would move. They have no middle animation they just go from their hands out, to their hands raised, just like 8-bit.

7. The one human gamer we really see was a girl... BUT GIRLS DON'T GAME! my mind=blown!

Now, below there will be spoilers.

Movie Review: Arsenic and Old Lace

Arsenic and Old Lace (1944/Warner Bros./Dir. Frank Capra)

A little while ago, I posted a list of movies that you can watch at Halloween that aren’t horror movies. When I posted that, I “missed” one important movie. I put missed in quotes because I didn’t miss it so much as decide that I would rather do a review on it. While not a perfect movie, nor even a perfect comedy, it is enjoyable and it does work as a film. It's one of m favorite Cary Grant performances, and that is really saying something. And hey, it takes place on Halloween!

Here's the thing though, the best thing to do would be to go into this movie totally blind. I'm going to spoil some things about this movie, but one of the biggest spoilers is on the back of the box. For best results, don't read anything and just go watch it. As of right now, it's on Netflix Streaming (but who knows what tomorrow might bring, right?) so just go watch it. Seriously, don't even bother reading this review because you should just go see it.

5 Non-Horror Halloween Movies

I like Halloween, a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. Syd also loves Halloween. The problem is, Syd doesn't like horror movies. It's a little hard to watch movies during the Halloween season if you live with someone who doesn't like Horror movies. So I decided to put together a list of movies that don't have to be classed as horror. That way, I get to get into Halloween, and Syd gets to sleep without nightmares. So as a result, I've got something that isn't scary. Now, there aren't rules to this, there isn't any science, I went by feel. The only explanation I can come up with, is an after the fact examination. Each of these feel Autumnal to me. They take place during the fall, or have strong themes of the supernatural. That's all I got. I like watching these during Halloween.

NOW! Allow us to, for a moment, start with the honorable mentions. Someone suggested The Nightmare Before Christmas while I was putting this list together. Syd had a complaint, "It's a Christmas movie." and with that, it sort of had to go. It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown was rejected on the grounds that Syd can't watch old Chuck get another bag full of rocks. She just can't take the bullying of Charlie Brown. The Godfather is something I always find myself watching during autumn, but it's not Hallow'een-y enough. Likewise, Ghostbusters was also suggested, but it just felt wrong. Yeah, it felt wrong, I go mostly by feeling on this sight, quit trying to imagine that I use any kind of science behind this. There is no science, no chart, no weighing of evidence. Feeling, gut, emotion. We went through a few others, but in the end I landed with these five.


1. Clue
A classic comedy, that didn't get the kind of love it deserved back in the day. Yes, it's based on a board game, but this movie is SO MUCH MORE! Clue is truly one of the funniest satires of both the mystery genre and the McCarthyism of the 50s. I'm not sure it actually takes place during the autumn, but it feels like it does. Also, most the characters are inside and the whole thing has a lovely warm feeling that I admire. There are few movies that are as much fun as this one. When I reviewed this a while ago, I was ready for it to have not held up, but it did. And it has the most manic dénouement in history with Tim Curry running around explaining the murder like mad. Ya gotta love that!


2. The Crow
Another movie I've reviewed, and still watch. I'm not sure I've mentioned this before, but about 90% of the time I review a movie I have this feeling of "Well, I don't need to watch that again." that washes over me. And maybe 85% of the time I never do watch the movies again. Or at least, I don't feel an urge to watch them. This one, however, I found myself wanting to watch after the review. I went into the viewing, with the idea of watching it for a review, with the idea that I was going to sink myself into a crappy earl 90s nostalgiafest of not holding up years later. Strangely, not only did it hold up, but there were things I found that I appreciated about the movie that had never struck me before. Of course, by issues with depression didn't start until my 30s, so some of the things in that movie wouldn't have struck me until later. Since that review, I've pulled it out every Halloween Season and watched it at least once, if not twice. Yeah, I didn't much talk about the movie here did I? Aw well, click the link up there and read the review.


3. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Okay, so this is a midnight movie that plays on Halloween. What do you want from me? If you don't know what Rocky Horror is... I honestly can't help you. No, wait, I'll try. It's part sci-fi homage, part lunatic comedy, part polyamory romance, part exaltation of the joy of being yourself, part surreal examination of the sexual awakening of America, it's a musical and Tim Curry is in it. Again. What more could you possibly need? There is a lot more story than what ends up on the screen, so you'll need to watch four or five hundred times to get the full understanding. If you're a fan, you will have done this. Not sure why I've never actually reviewed this one. I've thought about it. I think I probably like it too much. There is a list of movies that I love, that I think I'll probably never actually review. I might, some day, which is why I've never done a "Movies I'll NEVER Review" list, because three days would go by and I'd find myself deciding to give Raiders of the Lost Ark the love it deserves. It's such an unrecognized classic! Seriously you have no idea how close to rhapsodizing it I was after seeing it on the IMAX screen last week. Only exhaustion stopped me. What was I talking about? Oh, right, Rocky Horror. Well, all that I said about Raiders also applies. I like it too much, I would just say things you've heard before.


2. Interview With the Vampire
Again, I'm not sure how Halloweeny this is, but I watch it at this time of year. Again, we've got themes of depression, the supernatural, and (oddly) polyamory. Huh, note to self, collect a list of movies that feature polyamory. This is another movie that I have watched each Halloween since the review. I actually haven't watched the Corman Poe movies that much since I reviewed them, and I think they all got much higher reviews than these two I've admitted to watching a lot more. Interesting that. I'm not sure what it says, but I do watch it. Probably because the movie is ridiculously beautiful, being more of a drama with a bit of supernatural themes than really a supernatural film. Everyone I have asked about this says it's not a horror film, that they've always felt it to be a dramatic period piece first and a vampire movie second. Oddly, I have real problems with the book. I tried to read it once, got the heavily abridged audiobook, and it's kind of terrible. Try cutting what, according to my unabridged audiobook, is a book that takes fifteen hours to read and squish it down to three hours. I'm only reading the whole thing for the first time right now. Interestingly, I don't find Louis as whiney as everyone else. I never found him whiney exactly, just ineffectual. I think he's supposed to be clinically depressed, but written by someone who either hasn't suffered from depression, or can't articulate the feelings very well. The movie is fantastic though, and you should probably watch it again for the first time.


5. Legend
Tom Cruise and Mia Sara fight TIM CURRY? What the shit? How many times is Curry going to turn up in this list? Well, as this is the last entry, it should be the last time. Again, the autumnal feeling is questionable, but I allow it because the only times I've ever felt like watching this movie is in the period between September 1 and November 30. So, I'm going with it. The supernatural is well represented, and there is a force of evil that has to be conquered. There is a lot of darkness, a great deal of glitter, and Tom Cruise in a mini dress. I don't know, it feels right, and it has Tim Curry in it! Has Tim Curry ever steered us wrong? I mean BESIDES McHale's Navy! And Congo... Addams Family Reunion, Oscar, Charlie's Angels, FernGully: The Last Rainforest... You know what? Never mind! Look, when he's good he's VERY good. You may be wondering why I don't mention The Shadow. I actually sort of like that movie. I've been thinking of a review for it. I like to defend the indefensible after all. Also, would have been a good one for this list. Another movie I associate with fall and Halloween.


Wait, I didn't put The Immortals in here? That actually takes place ON Halloween. Of course, it's also not a very good movie. That's probably why I didn't put it here. And yet, I have, so work out that little pair of ducks on your own.

Movie Review: The Adventures of Robin Hood

Movie Review: The Adventures of Robin Hood

The Adventures of Robin Hood/1938/ Dir. Michael Curtiz & William Keighley

Oh yes, the tights, we must always go back to the tights! Easy for a man to look tough wearing 35 pounds of rubber and latex armor, but it takes a real man to look badass in tights. Not just tights, but tights and what amounts to a velvet mini-dress. You could call it a shirt, or a jerkin, but if anyone wore it today, we’d call it a mini-dress. We’d also call it pretty hot if a girl wore something that short. Point is, TIGHTS! You’ve got to talk about the tights first thin out of the gate, because otherwise it becomes the elephant in the room. Beyond that, this is a pretty great movie. Yes, the costumes and manners make the Renaissance Festival look like Game of Thrones. Yes, it’s about as historically accurate as a Walt Disney cartoon. Yes, yes, yes I’ll agree to most the criticism… BUT! This is also the single best movie about Robin Hood, and is still the most iconic. There are only a few Robin Hood movies that are any good, and this is the best.